


This Lifetime

by darket15



Category: D Gray-man
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Romance, Transformation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-26
Updated: 2013-03-26
Packaged: 2017-12-06 14:36:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/736775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darket15/pseuds/darket15
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SUMMARY:<br/>PART I & II – YULLEN WEEK 2012 - Will Kanda be able to sort his feelings out about his past lifetime to be able to know what he wants in this lifetime? How is Allen dealing with feelings he's discovering about Kanda. With everything they've gone through together … will it lead them back to each other?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mask and Walls

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Yullen Week 2012 – Day 1 ~ Part I Theme: MASK AND WALLS ~ Part II Theme: MESSENGER ~ Happy Birthday Kanda and Allen. I started writing this before Vols. 22 & 23 came out.
> 
> BETA READER: RayneLover101 – I want to give special thanks to my friend, RayneLover101, who encouraged me through my writing process.  
> DISCLAIMER: D. Gray-man and the characters belong to Katsura Hoshino’s: Allen Walker (Bean Sprout), Kanda Yuu; Setting from Vols. 2, 20, 21, 22

* * *

 

_PART I _

Alma and Kanda fell from the Arc Gate into Mater, Southern Italy, where Allen had opened the gate for them to escape from The Black Order and the Noah's.

Kanda takes the impact of the fall as they crash into the earth below them, still holding Alma in his arms. He watches as the gate above them crumbles and thinks of Allen. 'Damn it Bean Sprout, I had to do this,' though it didn't stop the pain in his heart. "I'm sure I did the right thing, evidentially you thought so too …" Kanda softly says to himself.

The penalty Allen will pay for opening the gateway for Kanda and Alma’s escape could be severe. But Kanda knows Allen well enough, it won't matter what they do to him, he had helped his friend — that's all that matters.

Kanda's kneeling, holding Alma close to him. Supposedly, Kanda is the only one who can save Alma, but he is too badly injured, and beyond any type of recovery, he knows he's dying.

Surrounding them are ruins of majestic pillars, some with cracks, some are broken off, while other remnants of pillars are half buried in the sand dunes. It's a desolate sight. The gray over cast sky is the back drop of a city fallen from the evil of war and destruction.

Kanda drags both of them to a pillar where he leans his back against it holding Alma in his arms. Alma senses Kanda's feelings of loss. During their fighting Alma had felt the strong attachment between Allen and Kanda – their aura had shown a strong bond they share.

"Yu, Allen's a Noah … but you already know that … it doesn't matter that he is …"

"Your right Alma, it doesn't fucking matter he's a Noah," Kanda says, with a slight tone of anger in his voice.

"Yu … now you know the truth, I carry the soul of the woman you love … the person you'd been searching for. There's no need to search anymore Yu … ahh …" Alma's feeling his strength diminishing.

"You fool, stop talking and save your strength."

"No, I need to tell you before I die … Yu, I forgive you and release you from your promise … now's the time you need to find the other person."

"What other person? What the …" Kanda's confused, 'who the fuck is he talking about?'

"The person you should be with … has always been by your side … ah … I know you don't understand … but neither does the other person realize it … find happiness with this person Yu … please. Allen … he _ he_ cares very deeply for you … you'll find happiness with –." Alma couldn't tell him who it is he has to find it out for himself.

"Alma, what the hell are you talking about? Happiness with whom … I don't understand …"

"Yu ... the person you need to be with … ahh … you'll figure it out … please stay with me … until the end …" Alma can tell the end is very near, he hopes Yu can finally find happiness with the one he really loves. He feels his breath slowly leave his lungs, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

"Of course Alma, you're my friend, I'll stay ... _Alma!"_

Emotions always had been foreign to Kanda. To him they just got in his way and had never dealt with them – ever. It was easier to walk away. But, now he has no choice, for they have been unleashed, and he can't stop the single tear stream down his face, nor the aching in his heart.

Kanda hears Alma, "Yu, you have always been dear to me …"

Alma dies in Kanda's arms. He closes his eyes holding Alma's broken body tightly, "Yes Alma, I know — I hear you."

Kanda softly whispers, "Good-bye Alma … I will bury your remains my friend … for that's all I can do … I'm sorry I couldn't save you."

Leaning his head back against the pillar, Kanda's mind drifts, 'After I bury him … then what? What the hell do I do next? I'm physically weak … and I need to heal … my thoughts … I can't seem to collect my thoughts … they seem to be pieces scattering about in my mind.'

Kanda couldn't absorb anymore emotions. He needs to clear his mind to take away the confusion. He takes a deep breath and exhales, 'I'm so exhausted.' His last thought and image in his mind before sleep took hold, is Bean Sprout and that goofy smile he would always give him, there's a slight smile on Kanda's face as he drifts off to sleep.

_Anger … why are you trying to stop me … you're a fucking Noah! … I have to kill you … Alma … is that Alma … everything’s blurry …The Black Order … hazy … the hatred … the anger … it's your entire fault … I stab him … over and over … why did I do that … confusion … I'm changing … evolving … Allen … is that you Bean Sprout ... Bean Sprout! … sweating … hot … stop … everything's moving … what's happening to me_?

Kanda awakes startled and sweating profusely. 'A dream … it's just a bad dream … but no … Alma's still in my arms. It is real … did I actually stab Bean Sprout?' Kanda's head pounds with visions of him stabbing Allen. 'What was I thinking to do that to him? Now I've awakened the fourteenth in Bean Sprout, like he already didn't have enough to deal with.'

Meanwhile, back at headquarters, Allen has been imprisoned for his actions of letting Kanda and Alma escape.

"Okay Walker, you are now under house arrest. As before, Link will be supervising you 24/7, you are to follow all rules that have been set forth," Rouvelier says, in a displeased tone of voice.

"And Walker, you should feel lucky I even considered this type of action. But with this current situation you're more valuable out of prison than in. You're dismissed! Link, take your charge and leave my office, I don't want to see his face," Rouvelier growls, bitterly in his brusque manner.

The Black Order, once again, had needed to re-locate to establish a new headquarters. Rouvelier had removed Allen from prison to work with Link on the re-organization of the headquarters' library.

Link is not a bad person, he's only following orders, but that's Link — by the book. Central Agency had been waiting for the fourteenth to show his face again, but Allen's been stronger and had been able to keep him at bay.

This isn't the first time Allen's been released from his chains in prison. Komui and Link had pulled him out of prison earlier due to a depression he'd been in since Kanda left. They had felt allowing Allen to fix up a room for Kanda, just in case he came back, would help ease his troubled mind.

Link had even taken Allen back to the old headquarters' to sort through the rumble, bringing back many of Kanda's possessions, which Allen had then arranged the room identical to Kanda's old room. It had been a good thought, but Allen still remains in a depression.

As Link and Allen walk back to his room, a twinge of pain comes from his abdomen, the stab wound Kanda had given him is still healing. He covers the area with his hand quickly.

"Are you okay Allen?" Link asks, watching him as they approach his room. "Is your wound still painful?"

"I'm alright Link, though I should rest awhile. It still tires me," Allen replies, not saying the pain is a constant reminder of Kanda.

Allen lies on his bed and closes his eyes to rest. It hasn't been the Noah that intrudes on Allen's mind, it's Kanda.

'I should feel great — no longer do I have Kanda flaring up at me for every little thing I say or do, no longer is he calling me an idiot, stupid or to shut up. No one's rude to me. No one riles me with their arrogance _and_ no one calls me Bean Sprout. Hmm … Bean Sprout … the name has sort of grown on me — almost like a pet name from Kanda.

With Kanda gone, my life just isn't the same anymore. I miss our fighting and bickering, especially that twisted look of annoyance on his face.' Allen manages a slight smile at the memory. Exhausted his body feels heavy and his eyelids heavier, he dreams.

_Kanda's cold blue eyes' gazes into my silver ones mocking me, "You fucking moron, is that all you've got to attack me?"_

_"I thought you were a destroyer of time, but you act like a wimp. No wonder you always end up sitting on your fuckin' ass," Kanda sneers._

_"I'll show you what I have!" I retort angrily._

_Swoosh! Swoosh! Damn Kanda, he easily dodges my practice sword. Ugh, my gut … need to catch my breath … what’s this pain in my gut? I’m flying quickly through the air … ugh I feel the solid wall as my body strikes it. The bloody bastard had kicked me in the gut! I taste blood as it forms in the corner of my mouth._

_"Give it up Bean Sprout, you're not strong enough to take me, and you know it!" his voice rumbles deeply._

_"Anyway, you annoy the hell out of me!" Kanda snarls, I watch as he escalates into full rage._

_"Don't think you're the only one who gets annoyed, you jerk! I have a mind to come over there and kick your ass. Maybe I'll remove that stupid ponytail of yours with your own sword!"_

_My rage is hot … I’m running at full force … I fling my body into his taking him down, fists are flying. Ouch, my hair is being pulled, and in my angry blindness I hear Kanda swearing. We’re gripping onto each other, panting heavily, and sweat running down our faces, though our rage starts subsiding._

_He gazes at me, his eyes now a deeper, warmer cobalt blue and shows a flicker in them of … lust? We collapse to the cool floor to lie down, side by side, lying close so our bodies touch each other. Kanda turns his head to look at me, tingling feelings spread throughout my body, then I feel his hand take mine, his warm fingers intertwine with mine ... darkness … is someone watching me …_

_I'm grabbed and pulled into the dark alley, it's an attack! No … the electrifying feelings… Kanda thrusts his body against mine, pinning my arms and hands over my head, crushing his lips to mine._

_His warm mouth and tongue demand mine at the same time my ripped shirt hangs open, so I feel the heat of his body touching the heat of my own. Succumbing to the willingness of pleasure our bodies cry out for one another, it's pure erotic bliss…_

Allen awakens, 'I don't want to wake up … the dream feels so real, I can still feel his hands on my hot body and his lips on mine. That's what it had been like every time we met, it was aggressive and hot, but it wasn't just the sex,' the thoughts drift in Allen’s mind.

'As time went by, our coming together grew beyond what either of us expected. We just didn't know how to express our feelings into words. I guess it had been easier to ignore and deny them. Though, neither of us could ignore the special feelings of contentment, comfort and harmony when lying in each other's arms,' Allen quietly sighs.

'Now, he's so far away from me. There's this growing hunger for him, a hunger no one can satisfy but him. God, is there no mercy to enshroud me through this painful time?'

A sharp pain strikes again from his abdomen, he winces. Allen sits up holding his wound, and then looks over to Link sitting in the chair reading.

"Link, I'd like to go to Kanda's room if it's alright with you."

"Sure, it's alright."

Entering Kanda's room, Mugen still sits in the corner next to the bed where Allen had left it. He walks over, picks up the sword, and holds it close to him. He's done this often — it gives him the feeling Kanda's nearby. After his dream of Kanda he needed to come here.

Holding Mugen close, Allen remembers when Kanda had said he would never save him in battle, especially if it meant losing the mission, but Kanda had always stepped in to save him anyway.

'Kanda would always watch my back, even when he said he wouldn't. I had trusted him with my life as he had trusted me with his; somehow it had been an understanding between us.'

"Allen, do you mind if I ask you why you always come to Kanda's room?" Link asks, curious.

"That's a good question Link. It's really crazy of me, but …," still holding Mugen, Allen walks to the window near Link and looks out. "I miss him Link … I miss everything we were to each other … sounds silly, doesn't it?" Allen whispers to the window, with a forlorn look on his face.

Watching his charge he’s thinking, ‘His depression seems worse. It's almost as if he's heartbroken, but over Kanda? They had been like sworn enemies in the same camp fighting for the same cause. Their constant fighting and bickering had drove people around them crazy. They had been worse than an old married cou— … wait a minute …' Link looks closer at Allen '… could it be that Allen's … it's not impossible.'

Link isn't the only one noticing the depressed mood showing outwardly in Allen, Komui has also. He's worried about his physical and mental condition. Allen's lack of sleep and eating shows in the weight he's starting to lose.

Allen had always eaten tons of food, but now he has little interest in a tasty bowl of anything. Komui senses Allen's feelings of loss, but there's something else going on deeper inside of him. This is why Komui's been apprehensive about sending Allen out on a mission.

'Though, I'm wondering if it might be good for him, to get out, and we are down many Exorcists now. His wound is almost healed, but there's a chance of that re-opening if he got into a fierce battle,' Komui thinking. 'I'll talk with Link and find out what he thinks about sending Allen back into the field.'

Meanwhile, Kanda, for the past six months had been working on healing himself — both physically and mentally. The physical strength came easier then the mental healing. During this healing period, Kanda had meditated for long hours going over questions and thoughts that flowed through his mind.

'Hell, I have to decide now. Do I keep running away from my fucking past and emotions, or do I make sense of what's happened in my life. Shit, it's been six months and I'm still fighting myself.'

"Okay shithead, if you want to have any peace of mind you need to absorb the meaning of _your_ life," he mutters to himself.

'Damn, I'll need to go back and face what happened in the beginning, everything I've been running from for the past nine years.'

'Okay, let's go over this again. Alma — what was my relationship to him — really? He had become my friend, he's the one who carried her soul, and she's the one I had loved when we were killed on the battlefield.'

"Damn it, she was my other lifetime," Kanda says, out loud.

'I had been near death, or dead on the battlefield, when they took my brain and incarnated it into a new body. That's where I grew, and Alma had helped pull me out of the womb pool when I was ready to be born. What a fucking pest he had been in the beginning.'

'They had done those experiments and the synchronizations … they were for me to become an accommodator and wield Innocence,' Kanda’s thinking, trying to make sense of everything, and how he became the way he is.

'Now I remember, it had been damn painful both physically and mentally during the synchronizations, and it had only got worse as my memories returned to me. Hmm, I remember her … I had loved her in the lifetime before … hell I didn't know her in this lifetime. Those memories had been from long ago.'

'I had been nothing but a damn child … just been artificially reborn … I had made the promise in my other lifetime I'd love her … forever. But seeing her in the labs … I had promised her again, but as a child in this lifetime … she had said forever to me … I had kept searching for that person … who all along had been Alma … because he had been the one reborn with the soul of the woman I loved.'

"Fuck! Am I making any sense to myself? Past lifetime … present lifetime … what the hell is my real lifetime?" He shakes his head trying to clear it. 'Shit, is that the real question for me? What am I about now; who the hell am I now?'

Alma had the spirit of the woman I love — both are dead now. Does a person have to keep a promise for _two_ lifetimes if the person doesn't exist anymore? Can feelings from one lifetime be extended into another lifetime and still hold true to their origins?'

'Damn it! Alma had released me from my promise. Why can't I allow myself to be released from it, it's been nine fucking years! It doesn't mean I need to forget my past love, I need to accept I had one, and it will always be a part of me.'

'Then there's the damn matter of forgiving myself for believing I had killed Alma. Alma had forgiven me. Shit! As a child I had decided I wanted to live … if I hadn't kill Alma, than he would’ve killed me. I saw how the dark matter inside Alma had caused him to change.'

'Hell, I had built walls around me to protect myself from my painful past … is that where all my arrogance, hot headedness and anger comes from … have those walls crumbled?'

'Questions … questions … questions! Damn this is so mentally tiring.' Kanda holds his fingers to his temples, massaging them wanting the thoughts to stop processing in his mind. 'Okay, just let everything go … quiet my mind' … Kanda takes to deep breathing to calm himself … to just be in the moment … 'breath … yes … much better.'

Like Kanda, Allen mentally isn’t doing as well as Link and Komui have been hoping for. Instead he seems to be sinking further into depression.

"Link, Allen's wound has finally healed. He's still in a depression, though he does try to appear like his old self, but he isn't. Do you have any suggestion as to what we should do about this?" Komui asks, looking seriously at Link.

"I think it's time for you to have a talk with Allen. Maybe talking with him he'll reveal what's really going on inside," Link quietly replies.

"That's probably not a bad idea. Sometimes it helps people to talk about their feelings. I'll have Allen come to my office." He had Link tell Allen to come to his office, which ten minutes later Komui hears, a knock on his door.

Allen opens the door to Komui office, entering, "You want to see me Chief?"

"Yes Allen, I do. Please, come in and sit down so we can chat. Oh, would you mind closing the door behind you? Thank you. Links have a seat anywhere that's comfortable. Would either of you like some coffee? Reever just made a fresh batch."

"No thank you Komui," Link says, sitting down.

"Same here, no thank you … I'm fine. What did you need to see me about?"

Komui pulls his comfortable wing-back chair over to Allen so they are closer together and in a more personal setting. After taking a sip of his coffee, Komui brings the subject to light.

"Allen I'm going to come straight to the point. I, along with Link, am worried about you."

I've watched you over these past six months. Since Kanda's been gone you haven't pulled yourself together. You've lost weight you cannot afford to lose, your distracted by your thoughts constantly making you unfocused when you need to be focused.

If Kanda was here … seeing you like this … well, he'd kick your butt and give you a mouth full of attitude to boot. He wouldn't want you moping around like a lost puppy. What's going on Allen? What are you dealing with? Talk to me — please."

There's a moment of silence before Allen speaks. "I wish Kanda was here to kick my butt," Allen says, sadly.

"Komui, I've been trying to sort out my feelings for months now. I know Kanda and I didn't act like best friends, but …" Allen wasn't sure if Komui knew Kanda and he had been lovers, or if they had been discreet enough to hide it, if so it's no use saying it now.

“Damnit, I miss him, I'm having sharp pains in my chest most of the time, and this overwhelming sense of sadness comes over me," Allen says, straight out.

Link's still sitting quietly, observing and listening, but not taking any notes. Once Allen opens up about his feelings, the words come spewing out.

"Komui, I know Kanda had to take Alma out of here. For God sakes! I had helped to set him free so he could be with the person he loves, the one he's been searching for all these years. I had even seen with my own eyes, and had felt in my own heart what Kanda had gone through as a child! It was horrible!"

"But now Kanda is with … {choke} … with Alma … Alma loves Kanda … Kanda loves him … {choke} … I'll probably never see Kanda again … there isn't any hope for me to be … to be …"

"…with him? There is no hope for you and Kanda to be together. Are you in love with Kanda, Allen?" Komui asks, with a look of surprise on his face.

Allen's looks at Komui with tears streaming down his face, Komui swore he could hear Allen's heart breaking.

Allen wipes the tears away thinking, 'is that what all these feelings have been about — I'm in love with Kanda? How the hell did that happen, from all our intimate moments we had together? All I know is Alma had been the person Kanda's been searching for all these years. There's no way Kanda would _ever_ come back to me — let alone _love_ me.'

"I don't know how this happened to me," Allen confesses.

Softly, almost in a whisper Komui says, "Allen, we don't choose the person we want to fall in love with — it just happens."

"Now Allen, we both know the likelihood of Kanda ever leaving Alma, or coming back to the Black Order is nil, isn't that right?"

"I do know that in my mind, I just can't get my heart to understand it … Komui —?”

"Yes, Allen?"

"I have to confess, I'm not sure how to continue without Kanda by my side. He's been my strength in his own stubborn crazy way."

By the look on Links face, he didn't look surprised. Link already has his own inklings on the subject of Kanda and Allen.

Now, back in Mater, Southern Italy, Kanda continues to try and understand his own feeling that have been tormenting him for the past few years and months.

Swoosh! Swoosh! Swoosh! Are the sounds of Kanda's sword slicing through the air as he practices vigorously blindfolded. This sword is not Mugen, but it works for a substitute. Kanda steadily walks through his movements as if choreographing dance steps … gracefully and fluidly … Kanda finishes his workout.

He removes his blindfold and wipes some of the sweat from his brow. Yes, Kanda is definitely getting physically stronger. The moonlight illuminates everything around him. 'I love the nights when there's a full moon.’ Kanda remembers some of those nights with Allen.

Looking up at its beauty — he wonders what the idiot Bean Sprout is doing right now. 'He's so far away from me … does he even think of me anymore?'

'Damn I miss not having him around. I had rather enjoyed my verbal feuds with the Sprout, even though I had found him annoying as hell.' Kanda smirks to himself, as he remembers some of the stupid foolish fights they had gotten into.

'Hmm, after what we've gone through together, those fights seem so trivial to the recent events in our lives.’

'Damnit, why do I keep thinking of him? The memories — all the times we had sparred and fought each other. Funny, by the end of each session, I'd see him clearer and clearer as a person. He had been dealing with just as much pain and darkness inside as I had.

Hell, during our fighting, I'd let him throw all he had at me to help rid him of his rage inside. It had been when we'd cool down, lying on the floor next to each other — I wanted to reach out and touch him each time. Until finally, I had enough courage to move close enough, allowing myself to touch him, to take hold of his hand.

That had just brought on more agony inside of me for him. I was drawn to him, even though he annoyed me. At times, I wondered if it had been his craziness about saving everyone that had excited, and drew me closer to him.

There had been something about him, his smell after fighting, his passionate rage at the Akuma and justice … everything had seemed to match my own spirit. We may not have agreed on the subject at hand, but our soul, our spirits … had been the same.

I had tried to forget our intimate times together, but the imprint of his lips, his body and his heated passion seems to be branded into me. It had been real to me, he brought me comfort and harmony during those times.' A stabbing pain strikes his heart as his stomach feels a swirling sensation.

'I still hunger for him … I still reach for him in the night, unconsciously. His warm body as it curled into mine had been a perfect fit. It felt right, like he had always meant to be beside me. What are these feelings flowing inside of me?'

Kanda heads to the passageway which leads to the center of the underground rooms. 'Every time I walk through here the idiot Bean Sprout comes to mind. Ah yes, our first mission together, what a soft-hearted moron Bean Sprout had been. To think he had willingly put himself in jeopardy before taking that doll's Innocence.

Idiot! He could have had us both killed — but that was Bean Sprout, always trying to do what was right and just. He had never given up on anyone — his heart was too soft. There's a strong tugging on my heart — what the hell …?'

Kanda suddenly realizes Bean Sprout never gave up on him — or Alma. 'We fought side-by-side through that horrific ordeal at both the European Branch and then the North American Branch. The time came we had been fighting against each other. Bean Sprout had been so persistent for me to see and look at Alma — to remember.

The Sprout's heart is so big — he'd give of himself again and again to help a fellow Exorcist or really anyone — even at his own expense. He let me go with Alma didn't he? That had to be the hardest thing to do after the relationship we had shared together. What was it Alma had said before he died? Oh yes, Bean Sprout cared deeply for me.

How does Bean Sprout fit into all this? And why can't I forgive myself? Will I ever be able to release myself from my promise made nine years ago — I've been wrestling with these thoughts for months. Why is it so hard to let go of my promise and all this hatred?'

Though Kanda had been getting physically stronger, he’s still tormented by his own thoughts. They hold him captive from living his life.

'What life do I have anymore? I've lost everything — I even lost Alma all over again. The Black Order took everything from me! All those years I had thought I'd killed my friend, then to find out he was _alive._ The Order had kept secrets from me, they let me believe I'd killed my friend! They had used Alma to continue with the Second and Third Exorcist plans.

Thinking about the Black Order had only brought on the deep seeded rage hidden inside of him and it began to increase and accumulate in strength until his mind snaps.

The haunting memories come flooding back to him '… _pain in my head … I killed Alma … I loved her … promises … I loved my friend … forever … visions of lotus floating … thoughts … questions … forgive yourself … let it all go … lead your own life … have your own life … what is my own life?'_

The swarming sounds and voices swirl in his head until finally he puts his hands over his ears _… Alma … the woman I love … Allen … he cares … Allen cares deeply for you … past lifetime … this lifetime …_ keeps getting louder and louder … _stop the sounds_ … _stop the noise … stop the talking_

Kanda couldn't stand it anymore! He runs out of the room, through the passageway, out into the fresh clean air.

"Stop it! Just stop all this noise! _What do you want from me_?" Kanda falls to his knees, knelling he rocks back and forth, holding his hands over his ears trying to stop the loud insane noises swirling in his head!

"All Right! _Enough!_ _I_ ** _forgive_** _myself_ … oh Kami I do … I forgive myself for trying to kill Alma … I _**release**_ myself … from a promise given … in the past … Kami let me live … I'm told you chose us … then let me _**choose**_ to live the lifetime I have _**now**_ … not one from a _past life!_ _Free me!_ " Kanda screams into the skies above.

Kanda's exhausted. Still kneeling, his head hangs to his chest, his arms hang at his side, sweating, the moonlight shines down illumines him. It's like Jericho's walls tumbling down all over again.

If there had been someone there to witness the sight – they would have seen Kanda's transformation. It's as if you could see all the demons that had been tormenting him his whole life rise out of him – leaving behind the man he's meant to be.

Kanda feels as if a heavy weight is being lifted off him. He's free … free of all the torment … free from all the noises in his head … free to choose his own life. Then the words rang true to him from Alma.

_"Kanda I saw the person you should be with … you may not see it … that person may not realize it either … find happiness with that person Kanda … please … Allen … he _ he_ cares deeply for you …"_

_Real_ emotions well up inside of Kanda. Emotions he'd fought before to blind himself about how he had felt about Allen. 'Could it be? No it's not possible! Bean Sprout — am I in love with Bean Sprout?' A smile forms on Kanda's lips, 'Ridiculous?'

 

 

 


	2. Messenger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PART II – YULLEN WEEK 2012 - Is Kanda ready to go back to the Black Order? He is when a message is sent to him through Timcanpy about Allen’s in critical condition – but how did this happen? The truth comes out from the one Allen protected and saved.

* * *

 

_PART II_

“Allen, I have been given orders from Inspector Rouvelier to send you and Link out into the field to open three more Gates. I’m hoping you feel you‘re up to the task,” Chief Komui says, in his official voice. He’s still concerned about Allen’s depressed state. 

“Yes, of course Komui. I’m always ready to do what’s needed of me. When do we leave?” Allen asks, confident he’ll be able to complete his mission.

“Link, if it’s okay, both of you should leave tonight. We’ve had Finders in trouble and we need those Gates established for their safety as soon as possible.”

“However, there’s one fine detail. I have a direct order from Rouvelier that Allen _must_ have the CROW Binding Spell on his arms while he’s traveling outside of headquarters. The binding can only be removed to make the Gates, and when Allen has return to headquarters,” Komui says, looking directly at Link.

Turning to Allen, as always out of courtesy, Komui asks, “Do you have any questions Allen?” 

“No sir,” Allen replies, knowing he has to do this for his fellow Exorcist’s and Finder’s sake. 

“Good. I’ll see you, and Link when you get back,” Komui says, and hands Link the mission packet.

Allen and Link turn and walk out of Chief Komui’s office. Allen’s heart still hasn’t started mending in regards to Kanda. In fact, he questions himself about what he has worth living for. He is managing to keep the fourteenth under control, but what sort of life would he be able to have without Kanda in it with him?

‘Who do I have? No one — I have no one special in my life to come back to when I go out on a mission. Link – he doesn’t count.’ Allen sighs, and gets into the coach. Link sits across from Allen, lending forward he binds Allen’s arms with the CROW Binding Spell.

Opening the three Gates had turned out to be exhausting for Allen, but he had forged ahead completing the task for his fellow cohort’s safety.

Rain is coming down in torrents, lightening flashes across the smoky gray sky, the air is heavy and thick to breathe in the enclosed stage coach carrying Allen and Link. In Allen’s weariness, his thoughts drift in and out of consciousness.

His eyes are heavy from lack of sleep and energy. He lingers on the brink of awareness, pellets of rain strike the roof, wheels churning on the hard wet surface as the sound of the horse’s hooves echo in his head. He’s in between the dream world and the real world.

Sliding into the dream world … _I feel the heaviness of his body pressed against my own, feeling the sharp, sleek stab of the katana sword entering my body. The face above me is crazed with anger and confusion, the face I had grown to admirer and care about as my lover and comrade._

_The pressure changes to him pressing me against a cold, damp wall, he’s drenched in sweat and blood. My arms and hands pinned, I feel his anger and confusion intertwine with my own, his lips crush mine, his mouth and tongue claim mine, and now … he’s claimed my soul._

The jolting of the coach awakens Allen to the real world, one of death and destruction, one of anger and confusion like his dream world. He sits with the CROW spell still restraining his arms to prevent him from creating trouble the Black Order is afraid of him doing.

Link sits on the bench across from him nodding off from the swaging of the coach. ‘It’s been a long two weeks all three Gates are opened as was ordered. I do this for my comrades in arms, for their protection, their safety. Now, we are on our way to a Gate that will take me back to headquarters, which I’m ready for, to cocoon myself once again from the pain inside of me.’ 

Lightning flashes inside the coach, giving everything an eerie appearance. ‘Out the window everything’s a blur going by, the same as my life has been. But clearly I see, in the gray blur, Kanda’s face smiling at me, holding Alma, saying my name … the only time he’s called me by my name – Allen Walker.’

‘What we might have had together was over that day, the day he discovered Alma was still alive.  Kanda had found the person he’s been searching for, and I had helped him escape with that person – Alma. I didn’t realize what we had shared until Kanda was no longer here by my side. I still struggle to accept he’ll never be back – I’m alone now.’ Allen’s sadness and despair feels overwhelming.

‘It had been painful losing Mana, even Master Cross, who made my life a living hell. Now I’ve lost someone again, someone I love – Kanda. The confusion inside of me still wants to know why I am here. If I end my life, I end the pain of Mana, Master, Kanda and the fourteenth. No one will miss me, I am a threat to all – I’ll gladly sacrifice myself for another’s life,’ Allen ponders, still looking out into the rain.

“Allen, are you alright?” Link asks, now awake staring at Allen.

“I’m fine Link … really,” Allen says, looking down at the restraints binding him, his heart aching, and a feeling of heaviness in his chest.

“You don’t look it. You were having nightmares earlier, I heard your pain,” Link says, wondering if the nightmares had anything to do with Kanda or the fourteenth – or maybe both.

“Did I say anything to incriminate myself?” Allen asks smiling, almost to the point of teasing him.

“No” Link states, as he takes in Allen’s demeanor.

“Too bad, if I did my nightmares would finally end.” A sad look shadows Allen’s face as he looks out the window again.

“Allen …” Link starts to say, but is interrupted by the sounds of fighting – Akuma.

The coach comes to a halt. Not far from them someone’s fighting a Level 2 Akuma. They could see it in the air firing at its target below. Then a familiar silhouette against the gray sky appears, there’s no mistaking Krory in flight – attacking the Level 2.

“Stay here, Allen,” Link commands.

“Link release me so I can help fight, I’m helpless like this!” Allen retorts, in a sharp tone.

“No. I’m _not_ to release you until we return to headquarters, _those_ are my orders.”

“ _Damn_ your orders, my friend’s in danger, I need to help him!” Allen yells angrily.

It didn’t matter now the grotesque fiend is on top of them with Krory and Lavi on its tail. With no time for Link to do anything else, he jumps out of the coach to fight. Allen looks on from the doorway of the coach, arms bound and helpless.

Krory and Lavi had done an excellent job of maiming the vile creature, so Link should be able to weaken it further to kill it. As heavy as Allen’s body feels, he leaves the coach trying to break the spell binding him. He couldn’t invoke his Crown Clown, the restrains are too strong.

Link, Lavi and Krory attack the disfigure abnormality again and again, little by little defeating it. They manage to dodge the entire lethal arsenal the Level 2 carries or so they thought. Link lost his footing and could not regain it quickly enough when Allen saw the monstrosity about to destroy him. Allen, without giving any thought to himself, with all his strength threw himself in front of Link to protect him.

Piercing bullets rivet Allen’s flailing body. ‘The dream world is taking over my mind again, _I see Kanda’s beautiful face smiling at me, I feel his warm lips crushing down on my own and the heat of our bodies as we become one. Then, I see a single tear stream down my lover’s face,_ ’ as darkness envelops Allen.

With the freakish Level 2 destroyed, the three gather around Allen’s limp body. Link presses his ear to Allen’s heart and hears a faint beating. Without a word, Link picks Allen up, places him in the coach, and stampedes to the Gate they were original heading for.

On arrival, Link pulls Allen’s body from the coach, cradles him in his arms, and rushes into the Gate Way. All who are there quickly realizes the urgency of the matter at hand, and grants access immediately, calling ahead to Komui the emergency coming through.

Waiting on the other side is a stretcher for Allen. Link gently places his frail body upon it, quickly he falls into step with Komui explaining the situation to him. Komui’s frown deepens with each detail coming from Link’s mouth. When they reach the operating room, Komui quickly turns to Link.

“Stay here. I’ll inform you of his condition as soon as I finish operating,” Komui states, firmly, and directly at Link.

Lavi and Krory show up an hour later. Link is waiting to hear word on Allen’s condition, still wearing his blood stain uniform where he carried Allen to and from the stage coach. 

“Why wouldn’t you release Allen from his restrains? He was helpless without his Innocence to invoke,” Lavi lashes out at Link.

“And don’t give me it was your damn orders!” Lavi shouts, on the verge of tears.

“My best friend is on that operating table because of your strict discipline to follow rules! Well damn it, there are times when rules need to be bent, and that was one of those times,” Lavi explodes, in Link’s face.

Link had nothing to say, what could he say? He deserves everything Lavi’s yelling at him about – he’s right, in hind sight he should have bent the rules to release Allen. 

If he had, Allen wouldn’t be fighting for his life in there right now. Then a frighten thought crosses Link’s mind – ‘Allen has never been sure if he could go on in this world without Kanda. What if he decides it’s not worth living? What if he gives up on life and falls prey to death?’

Komui comes out of the operating room, his head hanging to his chest. The look on his face doesn’t look like good news.

“Allen … how is he?” Link asks, slowly.

“He has gone into a coma, we can only wait and see how long before he comes out of it.

Allen is deep within his coma, but something inside of him cries out to Kanda – trying to reach his lover. He needs him – will he hear him?

_I had to let him go … pain … silver objects pellet Sprout’s body … he’s falling backwards … blood everywhere … Kanda … I need you … cold … darkness … loneliness … fear … nothingness … quiet … Bean Sprout … where are you … nothing … emptiness …_

The past few nights Kanda has had strange dreams about Allen, he’s in trouble — he needs Kanda. In his dreams he never found out what type of trouble Allen’s in, but it’s a dark place. ‘Heck, Bean Sprout is always getting himself into some kind of trouble.’ But this dream felt different —it felt too real and grave.’

Kanda’s feeling stronger now — both physically and mentally. He’s ready to head back to theOrder to see Allen. He needs to see him; they have much to talk about. 

‘This is my lifetime now, and I want Bean Sprout to share what we have left of it together — he’s a part of me — part of my strength — part of who I have become. He’s not going to escape me, I’ve search for years and there he was —right before my eyes.  Somehow, I’ll get him to stay with me … even if I have to —‘

‘What is that flapping sound? It’s coming closer. It sounds almost like—it is—Timcanpy! Bean Sprout must be nearby! Tim is always with Bean Sprout.’

As the golden golem comes closer, something is off about the situation. 

“Bean Sprout’s not with you, is he Tim?” 

The golem communicates with Kanda. He has a projection for Kanda to see. 

“Alright Tim … come over here out of the light so I can see it better.”

Timcanpy starts his projection for Kanda to see. ‘Humph, it’s Komui. Maybe something has happened to Bean Sprout, and he is in trouble somewhere.’

_“_ _Hopefully it is you, Kanda, seeing this projection. I knew no other way to get a message out to you. It’s only natural that Timcanpy would have also been privy to your whereabouts.”_

“Well now Komui, aren’t you just the smart one,” Kanda mutters. ‘So Bean Sprout kept my location a secret. I wouldn’t expect any less from him.’

_“_ _I’m sorry to interrupt your time with Alma. Much has happened since you have been gone. I don’t know for sure how you feel about Allen —if you still hate and despise him. But, if you could put that aside … I feel he needs you right now. I don’t want to go into details on the golem. All I can say is Allen has been seriously injured during his last mission.”_

_“_ _I know I’m asking a lot from you, but when or if you come to headquarters, I will fill you in on the details. I can only emphasize how important this is to Allen, and all of us at headquarters. Please give my apologies to Alma for the possible interruption this may cause.”_

End of projection. There’s a lump in Kanda’s throat. “You won’t tell me either, will you Tim?” Kanda says, feeling Allen’s injuries may be serious.

Allen’s injuries are serious. Komui has him staying in a private room, not in the large infirmary area. He comes into his room to check Allen’s vital signs. Sitting down on the bed, he takes Allen’s hand into both of his. 

“Allen, please come back to us, everyone misses you,” Komui whispers, to Allen. 

Reever softly knocks on the door interrupting. Komui nods he’d be right out. Squeezing Allen’s hand he says, “I’ll be back later.”

Coming out of Allen’s room, he quietly closes the door behind him, and leans against it. “What is it Reever?” 

“Kanda’s downstairs waiting to see you.”

“Yes, I’ve been hoping he’d come. Please bring him to my office, would you Reever?” Komui answers quietly, relieved Kanda came. 

Reever walks back to where Kanda is waiting. ‘I wonder if Kanda’s back at the Order because of Allen’s condition. Komui must have sent for him. Interesting Kanda would agree to come since he’s always hated Allen, and they can’t be in the same room without fighting.’ 

When Kanda enters Komui’s office he sees him sitting at his desk with his head down in his hands. Kanda stands in front of his desk. 

“Tell me what’s happened to Bean Sprout,” Kanda states firmly, readying himself for the worst.

Komui lifts his head and tries to smile, “Thank you for coming Kanda. I’m in your debt.” 

“I’m here for Bean Sprout — where is he?” Kanda’s asks, impatiently.

“Please let me explain things before I take you to him. Please sit.” Komui hopes Kanda will stay calm while he explains what happened. Kanda sits down on the sofa, crosses his leg and then crosses his arms over his chest. 

“How have Alma and you been doing?” 

“Alma’s dead.” Kanda says, coming right to the point. He didn’t want to talk about it; he just wants to see Allen. 

“I’m sorry to hear that — this must be a very difficult time for you,” Komui says, with a surprise look on his face, but doesn’t push the matter any further.

“I’m fine I want to hear what’s happened to Bean Sprout.” Making it perfectly clear as to why he’s here.

“Yes, of course. “ 

Komui proceeds telling everything that’s been going on with Allen since Kanda left, and about the mission accident, “… and now Allen is still in a coma.” 

During the conversation Kanda perked up when it’s mentioned that Allen’s in love with him, a thrill shot through him. 

“I want to see him,” Kanda says, hoping he’s not too late.

“Before we do Kanda, I’d like to show you something.” 

“Alright, but I want to see him soon.” Kanda’s getting more impatient; he _wants_ to see Allen.

Komui leads the way to Kanda’s room, explaining as they walk along. Opening the door, Kanda enters, he’s not prepared for what he sees — ‘it’s like walking into my old room! How did Bean Sprout find all my stuff in the rumble at the old headquarters?’

His eye caught Mugen leaning against the wall. He walks over, sits down on the bed, and picks up Mugen. Warmth flows through him at the familiar feel of his sword.

“Frequently I would find Allen asleep on the bed holding Mugen close to him, hugging it for dear life.  He told me it made him feel you were nearby,” Komui says, affectionately. 

Hearing this Kanda felt a tug at his heart. “Take me to him,” Kanda orders.

They enter Allen’s room. Link is sitting in the chair just outside the curtain. “So Link, are you sitting there thinking Allen’s going to run away?” Kanda sneers.   

Link looks up with a forlorn look on his face. Never has Kanda seen this look on Link’s face, a chill runs through him.

Komui pulls the privacy curtain back, and he turns from Link and looks at Allen. Pain flashes across Kanda’s face, and his body feels the energy draining from him – Allen looks cadaverous. He’s lost too much weight, and it shows by his gauntness and the dark hallows of his eyes.  Bandages wrap around his thin frail body as well as part of his head, his color is pale — deathlike.

Shocked by the sight before him, Kanda chokes on his words, “How long has he been like this?” 

“Five weeks,” Komui says, quietly. 

“Komui … will … he die?” Kanda asks, his voice quivering.

“I honestly don’t know,” Komui sadly says.

Even the strong willed Kanda could not hold back the tears starting down his face. Nor could he stop his heart from breaking into a million pieces. ‘Just the thought … the possibility … Bean Sprout could die … is unbearable.’

Kanda finally spoke, not looking at either of them, “Komui, Link, would you mind leaving so we could be alone?” 

“Certainly, if you need anything just ask.” 

Komui and Link quietly leave the room. Komui closes the door behind him, and leans his back against it, closing his eyes. “Please God – let Kanda be able to bring Allen back to us,” Komui prays.

Inside, Kanda changes into comfortable clothes he took out of the drawers Allen had filled. He walks over to the bed and quietly he climbs in next to Allen’s bony body and gathers him into his arms. Yes it feels so right, so good to hold him again. 

He squeezes him tightly, “Damn you Allen Walker, don’t you dare die on me! Not now that I’ve found you. I love you, Allen Walker,” Kanda whispers, so only Allen could hear it.

Komui and Link stop in early the next morning to check on Allen. There in the bed Kanda sleeps holding Allen in his arms. On his face you could see where tears had been shed. Komui wasn’t going to disturb them and instead he smiles and closes the door behind him quietly. 

Kanda wakes up with Allen still in his arms. ‘ _No …_ not this again, I couldn’t save Alma, I _have_ to save you Bean Sprout! I can’t bear to lose you. I know now who I want to spend my life with — it’s you.’ Kanda nuzzles Allen’s white hair and holds a kiss on top of his head.

Komui’s finishing up his morning rounds with Allen when Kanda walks in after taking a shower. Link’s sitting in the same chair.

“Did you get any rest last night Kanda?” 

“Some.” 

“Well, Allen is still stable. No major changes,” Komui says.

Standing, looking down at Allen, Kanda asks, “How do I reach him Komui?” 

Komui sees concern on the older teen’s face, standing by his side, Komui softly replies, “Just talk to him as if he’s here talking to you. Tell him how you feel Kanda, touch him and hold him, that’s what he needs. But, he needs all this to come from you. He needs to hear your voice to beckon him back.” 

With that Komui turns, pulls the curtain shut and leaves the room. 

Not concerned that Link’s still in the room, Kanda climbs back in bed and straddles Allen. Looking down at his cold pale face, with both hands he grips Allen’s night shirt tugging gently shaking him. In a low mournful voice, “Come back to me you idiot … _damnit_ Bean Sprout … come back to me.”  

Kanda’s wretched face lowers to Allen’s as he pulls on Allen’s night shirt to bring him closer, pressing his warm mobile lips to Allen’s cool un-responding ones. Gathering him in his arms Kanda buries his face in soft white hair, inhaling his scent.

When nightfall came, Kanda leaves Allen’s room. This is his favorite time to practice outside. Standing tall, he inhales the cool, fresh air deep into his lungs. This helps him deal with the emotions he’s feeling. 

For the first time in his life, he admits he’s frightened — afraid he could lose Bean Sprout. Kanda could sense, rather than see, another’s presents nearby. 

“I know that’s you Link. You might as well come out.” Link shows himself. “So what the hell can I do for you Link?” Kanda asks, stiffly. 

“I hope this isn’t about any formal business from the Order, because I could care less about them and what they want or think,” Kanda glares, at Link.

“No, I wanted to talk to you alone, without anyone else around,” Link says, knowing the risk he’s taking with Kanda’s anger.

“Then go ahead … make it quick,” Kanda says, flatly.

“I know Komui explained about the mission and how Allen sustained his injuries. What he neglected to tell you is … well …” Link falters.

“Well, fuckin’ spit it out Link,” Kanda snarls, angrily.

Link stood straight, pulling his shoulders back, taking a deep breath, “it happened because of me.”

Kanda could feel the bristling welling up inside, his eyes narrowing as he looks at Link. “What do you mean because of you? Explain yourself.”

Link plows on in his explanation, “Allen wanted me to release him from the CROW restrains, so he could help his friends, and I refused. My orders were _not_ to release him until he’s inside headquarters.”

“The reason Allen was hit by the Level 2 bullets … well … well was …”

“ _Well what! Why_ the fuck was Bean Sprout hit _Link!_ ” Fiery rage emanates off Kanda.

“It’s because he protected me from those bullets!” Link yells at Kanda, feeling relieved to get this off his chest.

It’s the first time Link sees Kanda’s flaming red face, his menacing glare on him, and his body shaking in rage. _POW!_ Kanda’s fist strikes Link in the jaw knocking him to the ground. Link holds and rubs his jaw looking up at Kanda.

“I deserve that,” Link says, knowing this could happen.

“You’re damn right you deserved it! Link … if Bean Sprout dies … I’m coming after _you_ … Do - You - Understand – What - I’m - Saying?” Kanda slowly growls, low and deep in his throat. 

Link nods at Kanda, stands up and looks Kanda in the eye, “Yes I do understand Kanda. I’ve grown overly fond of Allen and it’s tearing my heart apart watching him this way.” Lowering his head, he turns and walks away.

When Link’s out of site and Kanda no longer feels his presents, he falls to his knees feeling like he could vomit, energy saps from his limbs. ‘Bean Sprout, it feels like a huge hole is in my chest — I want you back.’ Kanda fights the tears burning in his eyes until finally he surrenders to the crushing emotions in his body.

For the past two weeks, this has been Kanda’s life, talking and reading to Bean Sprout, sometimes pleading and begging him to come back to him. Link never came back to the room to stand watch over Allen, he let the two of them have what time they might have left together alone.

_“Allen … Bean Sprout … Damn you … Come back to me … Allen Walker! … Bean Sprout don’t you dare die” ‘… hmm … sounds like Kanda’s voice.  Where am I?  I feel like I’m floating on air. Lately, I’ve been hearing voices. But Kanda’s … his is constantly there talking to me. The idiot still keeps calling me Bean Sprout … it can’t be Kanda — he’s with Alma … he’s in Southern Italy … what’s happening to me? Did the fourteenth do this to me? Hmm … I don’t sense him right now … maybe he’s gone._

_Maybe I’ve been sleeping. Was I on a mission? Yes, I was — with Link. Kory and Lavi were fighting a Level 2. How did I get hurt? Ah, I protected Link. Is Link okay, he must be I’ve heard his voice. Thank goodness I saved him._

_Then am I dreaming? I can’t seem to wake myself up. That’s right, I had lost Kanda and I have no one to live for. Have I given up on life? I feel like I'm in a fog. If this fog would clear, I could see things better.’_

“Well, how is he doing? Is he getting any better?” Kanda asks Komui. 

“The head wound has healed and his Innocence seems to be fine now. The bullet wounds are taking a little longer, but with the entire trauma his body’s gone through its normal recovery. He’s gained some weight back, but Kanda even if Allen wakes up he’s got a long recovery ahead of him. Are you ready to take on such a responsibility?” 

“What a stupid thing to ask. When Bean Sprout wakes up I’m going to be here with him. I know he’ll have a long recovery. And yes, I will take responsibility for him,” Kanda angrily shot back at Komui for even thinking he’d not be here for the Sprout.

“Kanda, I appreciate you helping to bring him back to us, but we all know how you have despised him in the past. Have your feelings changed for Allen?”

“You’re more of a fuckin’ moron then I thought. Of course I don’t despise him. He was my lover for God’s sake! Komui, not that you need to know, but I’ve worked out my feelings and know exactly how I feel about Allen,” Kanda retorts, angrily.

“And if I may be so bold to ask, what are those feelings?” Komui knew how Kanda felt, but he wants Kanda to admit his feelings and actually say them out loud. 

Kanda gave Komui a quick angry glare, and then looks down at Bean Sprout’s quiet frail body lying in bed. It’s as if he was hit in his stomach, the anger disperses as Kanda quietly says, “Shit … I love him, as if you didn’t already know.” 

“Yes, I figured as much, but I needed to hear it from you Kanda. Allen is special to all of us and if … excuse me … when he wakes up I want to make sure his feelings aren’t hurt any more than they already are.”

“Komui … when Bean Sprout wakes up ... and able to be moved … I’m taking him with me … we’ll both be leaving the Black Order. I’m being up front with you right now and I don’t care what Link says — Allen’s no traitor. So don’t try to stop me.”

“Kanda … I believe it’s the best thing you and Allen could do. I’m saying this ‘unofficially’, of course, and I know for a fact Link feels the same way.” Kanda looks shocked at this news. 

“Link may be something’s Kanda, but he’s definitely tried to protect Allen the best he could. It took a lot of courage to face you with the fact it was him Allen was protecting. That’s quite the bruise you gave him too,” Komui winks at Kanda. 

“Oh, and if you need a place to go, I have a place in Japan that would be perfect for the two of you. That’s if it’s still standing,” Komui says, smiling and leaves the room.

Kanda walks over to the bed, sits down and takes Allen’s cool hand. He kisses it and holds it to his warm cheek.  

“You’re all I want in my life Bean Sprout, so damn it, just get the hell back here to me – that’s an order,” Kanda says sternly. He lays Allen’s hand down and sits on the floor in front of the bed to meditate. 

_‘Kanda! I do hear Kanda! He says he needs me. Wait a minute, what does he mean an order … who the hell does he think he is to order me back … the hell with orders, he wants me to come back … but back from where? How do I get out of here? Kanda! I’ll come back … I won’t let you down … somehow I’ll get out of here … I just need to figure out how …’_

Kanda calmly sits in his meditative form allowing the noises and sounds to flow away from him.  He’s in the moment, the Now. It’s a peaceful state of mind. Kanda feels all the tension in his body leave and his mind is clear. He could hear a pin drop it’s so still.

Someone is softly calling his name. ‘If I didn’t know better it sounds like Bean Sprout’s voice. There it is again, so faint. It’s definitely my name being called …’ Suddenly Kanda’s eyes fly open. He springs up from the floor to the bed. He looks down at Allen – he hasn’t moved. Kanda slides into the bed and gathers him into his arms.  

“Bean Sprout, are you calling to me? Damn it! Answer me idiot! Get back here … I … I want you,” he chokes on his words. 

Then the faint voice comes again ever so softly, “Kan–da …“

“Bean Sprout, you stupid idiot, I’m right here … right beside you! Keep fighting … damnit, come to me,” his heart is pounding hard against his chest. 

Allen slowly opens an eye. ‘Yes, it is Kanda. I’m in Kanda’s arms!’

Kanda brushes his white hair back, looking down at him, tears of joy stinging his eyes. ‘I’ll _never_ lose him again!’ 

“Bean Sprout, you idiot, I’m right here. Can you see me?” 

“Yes,” Allen responses, faintly and a half smile.

“You needed me — I heard you,” Allen manages to get out.

“Allen you damn stupid moron, I’ll always need you,” Kanda whispers, hoarsely. 

Allen smiles, “You called me Allen. Please don’t go away again Kanda.”

“I’m not going _anywhere_ without you _ever_ again. I _won’t_ ever let you go Allen, even if I have to marry you to keep you by my side.” Kanda smiles a rare smile, and gently kisses Allen’s soft lips.

 

**Author's Note:**

> To be continued ...


End file.
